I wish I could punch you in the face.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
