Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize