my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my being single is dangerous.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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