remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
