Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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