My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
