Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
