oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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