found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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