He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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