Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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