you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
