i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
