I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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