You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
