My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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