i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
