she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I will pee on everything he values.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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