u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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