Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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