I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
