i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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