There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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