I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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