MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
