I hope mine doesn't look like that
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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