you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
ok first of all what the fuck
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
