awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
