i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
