I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
