why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize
