Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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