Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
