I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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