thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
