I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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