She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
