This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
