I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
