you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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