this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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