Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
