the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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