He uses pillows to masturbate.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
