you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
