I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
