Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
