just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
