I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
