i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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