Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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