Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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