This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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