You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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