we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
