U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
