Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Can I color on your dick again?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
