my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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