i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
