somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
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