Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
