why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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