My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I woke up under a house in Key West
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
