it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
