Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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