It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
