If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
that may or may not have been my penis.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
