You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
