he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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