Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
